BY KEVIN COCKMAN
Prisons are not built, designed or run with “correcting” in mind. Prisons aren’t correcting anyone. These places are put here to destroy hope, break the spirit of individuality, demean, debase, and strip a person of his dignity. Prisons are the world’s incubators of hate and evil. This is the daily battle I have to fight while attempting to grow enough mentally that maybe I will not bring myself back to this insanity again.
I do not blame my childhood for being incarcerated. I can say with all truthfulness that my drug use is what eventually led me here. Take away the drugs — and criminal behavior (excluding traffic violations) goes away.
Some people will think that putting somebody like me in here is a solution. “Sober him up for a few years and he is good to go.” There is an apt old saying, “Sober up a drunk horse thief and what do you have? A sober horse thief.”
Locking people up with addictions and mental health issues is not taking an honest look or approach to a societal problem. Here I am, a meth addict in prison. Locked up with other addicts, dealers, thieves and drug manufacturers. We spend 12-16 hours a day interacting with each other, discussing drugs and talking “the game” (street slang for a criminal lifestyle) and sharing how to do things without getting caught the next time. And dreaming about making the next big score.
I have learned to avoid this by staying to myself and being extremely selective about whom I choose to be around.
Now let’s start adding in some of the “stressors” in prison, such as having to watch everything you say, because some overly sensitive dumb ass is going to take offense and try to assault you, threaten you, or “punk you” out. Another stressor: the mental health patients who are not on their meds, or, are on any psych meds they can get a hold of, for a high. Additionally, you have the undercover gang bangers. These are not prison gang members, but the street gang members that the gang unit does not recognize as a security threat. This is not only in your living area, it is everywhere you go.
Then come the folks who are employed here. Imagine your boss coming into your home, cursing you, and you can’t reply without negative consequences. This person randomly comes into your space and tosses all your property around, often taking it, throwing away your mail, denying you food because they don’t like the way you shaved that morning. Only being allowed to sleep for 3-4 hours at a time before someone wakes you up. Having overhead florescent lighting being turned on and off at different times every night during your sleep time. Having the people in “authority” bragging about taking more psych meds than the mental patients you live with. Maybe I am too dense to realize where the “corrections” is in this scenario.
This is a typical day in this place. Now do this for years on end — with only a chance of getting released, decided by a few people you will not get to talk to — and tell me you won’t start to develop some “issues” with authority.
I am coming up on my fifth parole review in the next 60 days or so. The time I spent in my first four totaled less than 10-12 minutes combined. In those four parole reviews, I have seen three different parole officers. (And I hear we have a new one this year.) I am not holding my breath this time around, either.
Yes that is the sound of my hope dying, a little every year.
Kevin Cockman is serving 20 years in Texas for Burglary.
We send your comments to our authors, but if you’d like to contact Kevin directly, please write to:
Kevin Cockman #1609934
Neal Unit
9055 Spur 591
Amarillo, TX 79107-9696
I really don’t want to seem judgemental, and I’m passionately opposed to arbitrary and abusive treatment of prisoners.
That being said, when I read your words I’m put in mind of several things, none of which enhance their impact or improve your position.
First is the emphasis on addiction. There isn’t an American alive who hasn’t been thoroughly educated on both the illegality and destructive nature of drug abuse. Further, the vast majority of people don’t abuse drugs. Even within the minority who do abuse drugs, most are not nor will be incarcerated.
There is something about you which lead to your drug abuse and to devolving into other crimes. Prison may not offer much, but it does break the cycle and offer separation from the influences you were under. Realize sobriety is something you’re responsible for, not the prison system. It will serve you better than blaming others could ever do.
The next thing I think is that most of us reading this, and by most I mean nearly all, have never committed a burglary. For us, the very idea of entering into another’s premises with an intent to steal evokes shame and fear. Imagining our own places broken into and robbed engenders fear, disgust, feelings of violation, and anger. Those of us who have experienced it are even less forgiving. On top of that, some of us are addicts, and many many others have a family member who is, but who don’t commit burglary as a result.
As someone above pointed out, no one gets 20 years for a first offense burglary, or 10, or 5. Your sentence suggests either many burglaries or a habitual felonious life style with many convictions. Understand that 99% of us have 0 felony convictions, including the majority of the addicts among us.
Forgive me for this, and keep in mind I don’t condone arbitrary or abusive treatment of prisoners: but it seems prison has corrected you. You’re made miserable by the experience and have found there is nothing good there. Life is unfair, filled with challenges and let downs. You have to take these in stride and continue trying to live a decent life. Allowing unfairness to justify dysfunctional drug use and theft is a prison mentality. Prison is how we as a society deal with those who won’t obey the rules. Rehabilitation would be nice, but it would be a gift, not an entitlement.
I’m concerned for you on your release if you can’t take responsibility for your addiction and crimes. I’m not passing judgement, and I’m not saying the adverse conditions in many prisons aren’t making it harder, making it worse for everyone. I am saying you have to be responsible for you. You’re at the end of societies line. Lucky to be alive. Whatever you leave with is a gift. You can’t blame society or it’s prisons if you return to drugs and burglary. If that’s your plan, you’re going to fail. Maybe it is societies fault, but that won’t save you, and you’ll hurt yourself way worse than you’ll hurt them.
Please don’t think I’m judging or condemning you, and I share your disgust for the treatment of prisoners. You’re responsible for you though. You’ll probably never fix prisons problems or societies problems, but you can work on yours.
You can have a better life, but it isn’t likely to start with blaming others. I hope you’ll be able to accept this as a positive message, because that’s how it is intended. I understand, at least academically, how bad a situation you’re in. The way to win though is by rising above it, not blaming it. Take the best you can, try to ignore the worst, and resolve to keep doing that, it’s how most of us get by.
I’m sorry if this angers you, and I don’t want to wreck your hope. I just feel like you might benefit from some brutal honesty. Consider the one part of all this you’re in control of: your reaction and attitude.
At least from a reaching others standpoint, you have to consider your audience: most people you’re writting for aren’t going to intuitively understand your struggle nor instantly overlook your crime.
You write well. I’m just concerned you might not be coming across like you’d wish to.
If you hate me now I wouldn’t blame you, but I hope you’ll see this as just a stranger trying to help, because that’s what this is.
I wish you luck. I really do.
Very passionate narrative… However you got TWENTY years for burglary ??? Correct me if I’m wrong but a first time offense wouldn’t net you near that long. That leads me to believe you are a career criminal .. And you only have yourself to blame for putting yourself in the belly of the beast
Please don’t lose hope. You are an excellent writer and your time WILL go by one way or another. Take advantage of the time. Write YOUR story. I’ll bet it’s good.