BY JASON BALES
I officially retired November 30th, 2007 at the ripe old age of 24, and it’s great! I am now part of a government-sponsored adult day care and assisted living center.
We have the best health care plan in the United States. Everything is just $2. Need stitches because some crazy guy hit you? $2. Need a tooth pulled? $2. Have cancer and need chemo? $2. And the ambulance ride is free. Now where else in American can you find a deal like that?
We don’t have to pay rent. We don’t even have a cable or utility bill and we have a free financial manager. There is an onsite convenience store that will deliver directly to you….and if they send it to the wrong person, you don’t get charged.
The room service here is excellent. It is guaranteed that three times a day someone will come by and offer you something to eat and drink. You don’t even have to wash dishes.
They give you free clothes and you don’t ever have to worry about laundry. All you do is set it outside and it will be picked up, washed, dried and brought back to you.
Well, the place isn’t coed. So if you like women, you are out of luck unless you get friendly with a nurse or one of the staff. But if you like guys, you’ll love it here. This place is a lazy gay guy’s paradise. If you are looking for a big bad tough guy to cuddle, this is your place. Any shape, size, or color you,ve got them here.
Now the security here is top notch. No matter where you go, there is always a security guard around to assist you, and they hate people fighting or causing trouble. Hell, they even have armed guards, driving around to make sure no one tries to break in and hurt you.
This place is so prestigious; it takes a judge’s recommendation to get in. And you never have to leave. Wanna sign up? This is all you have to do. Next time you get stopped by one of those loud mouthed, overbearing, belligerent, authoritarian, jackass cops who says you were going 3.4 miles over the speed limit, just kick him right in the ass. The next thing you know, without further ado, you will be invited to the great and wonderful, one-of-a-kind, can’t-beat-the-accommodations Oklahoma Department of Corrections.
I was really afraid when I first came to prison. I thought it was going to be the way it is in the movies with all these big, bad and tough cold-blooded killers walking around. People getting robbed, people getting stabbed from behind, people getting raped in the showers. Turns out I didn’t know how right I was. Well not exactly.
Around here all the tough killers are geriatrics now. Most people with first-degree murder charges either killed their kid of someone else’s. Then you’ve got the ones that shot someone while on drugs or over drugs. And the ones who thought they were at Sonic and shot people from their car windows. There are also those “innocent” police officers that got caught on tape “accidentally” beating someone to death. Do not bury people in Oklahoma. Take my advice on that one.
The only way most of these guys can even look tough is to get a bunch of tattoos and then act stupid. Or they beat up and rob sex offenders or someone who is too weak to fight back. If you really want to go through the rite of passage to be a tough guy in here, join a gang of six or eight guys and attack some other guy just because he isn’t smart or tough enough to “roll with the big dogs.” Turns out most of the robberies are just that. One guy will stand outside the cell door to watch for officers while at least two go in and steal stuff. And almost every time they are stealing from someone who can’t fight back very well.
And there really is a whole lot of raping going on. In the cells, showers, offices, classrooms, kitchen, basement and anywhere else free time can be found. There is just one problem with it. It’s really not a problem. It’s just that it’s the female staff raping the male inmates. WHAT! Yes, you can rape the willing. And there are a whole lot of willing people on both sides. If the female staff gets caught having consensual sex with a male inmate, she can get charged with rape. How screwed up is that? Does it look like she forced me to bend her over the break room table? And it’s not just the female staff either. You have to remember, this place is a lazy gay guy’s paradise.
Jason Bales is serving life without parole for his involvement in a murder.
We send your comments to our writers, but if you’d like to contact Jason directly, please write to:
Jason Bales #416342
Oklahoma State Prison
PO Box 97
McAlester, OK 74502