Yikes.
I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do with my life after prison – although I had plans. But I definitely wasn’t going to do what I had been doing.
I have kept that thought uppermost in my mind ever since I got out in 1998, regardless of how tough life has been at times for a guy like me, “you Ex-Felon, you.”
My first apartment was a studio in a clean and sober complex. Soon after arriving, I set about attending college to study computer sciences to try and get a better job than those typically slated for ex-felons. Not long after getting settled in, I received a call from my ex-wife to reign in my beautiful teenage daughter because she was beginning to make bad decisions, as I had done so many times. So I brought her to live with me.
This experience was all new to me, because I hadn’t been a good father — since I was in and out of prison for almost 23 years. It was time to try, though, and I so I did. I had to do the things fathers do, and I loved it, as challenging as a teenage daughter can be. I was strict, because I couldn’t have my kids end up where I had been. And sometimes I was too strict. Beware of that. I had her with me for 4 wonderful years.
Being responsible was strange – paying rent, bills, buying groceries – as somehow, I knew everybody would know where I was from. I was worried I would somehow end up back in prison for far too long. I had been in and out from 1976 to 1998.
I been judged since getting out; that’s just part of the gig and it can’t be stopped. I had to develop thicker skin because I believed in my rehabilitation, as few others ever have, or ever will. But 27 years out and the judgment still rears its ugly head, sometimes…
“Respect” as prisoners know it and is practiced behind the walls, isn’t understood in the “real” world, and man oh man, did I find that out. In prison, respect means survival. So I had to adjust and realize that civilians just don’t have to live with respect the way prisoners treat each other inside the walls. Show respect or it’s on and crackin’. I learned this by being told and watching it demonstrated time and time again through 4 terms. I learned respect the hard way on the streets beforehand, so it wasn’t a tough transition for me. I was already familiar with the concept of respect and the possible consequences of disrepecting others. I made mistakes a few times; talked it out a few times, fought it out a few times. I learned universal respect no matter where I am at, inside or outside the walls.
It’s a cautionary tale, my incarcerated homies, both male and female. Don’t expect that brand of respect that serious inmates practice to be found out here in the “real” world, and adjust accordingly the best you can. It’s a part of the recipe for permanent freedom inside or outside the walls.
As you already know, my incarcerated homies, adaptation IS the key to survival everywhere we go. I have had a few scrapes over disrespect, but I didn’t have to resort, because it’s a choice I make to walk away — be the good man I am supposed to be!
The world has been my oyster regardless of the BS. I found new ways to be a man — not only a man, but a good man. I walked away when I could, should, or needed too; I learned to help others; I learned to say no to what I should say no to, as dictated by my past experiences. I had to develop a new common sense so I could survive in the “real’ world. I had to realize that folks out here didn’t learn the way I and you have; so I will give myself and those folks a break and breeze by easy…
I began the up and down journey of learning and accepting responsibility for myself and for others. For me, as I suspect it may be for others, the difficulty really begins with walking away. Know that when you do that, my good and great homies, that good people practicing being good people can’t help but be good people, and you WILL rule your own destinies, regardless of how tough things get for folks like us. I am one of you, 27 years out…
Since the Summer of 1988 when I thought i would never become a good man, I have become a good man having done good things, regardless of being a “convict.” Of course, I have my haters – don’t we all? I am one of you, regardless, as I know the fears of never getting out, or at least believing I would never get out, let alone having a life. Sometimes it’s been really tough, and sometimes just too cool, but I have been given the life that I asked for and more; regardless of the tough times.
I am one of you and I believe in you. Believe in yourself that you can change yourself and you will change yourself. I had to face who and what I had become was unacceptable to me, finally, after 4 terms, and I wanted a life outside those walls for a very long time. I have been granted a life and now it’s time to reach back inside and tell you ALL that I believe in you, so please believe in yourselves. You can do this.
Of course it will be tough; anything worth having is tough to earn and hold on to, especially for a guy like me. If I can, YOU can do it – I believe in you!
Richard W
