This Time I’ll Tell The Truth About My Crime

Last night I received a letter from a friend of mine, and inside the envelope was a story I wrote seven years ago about my crime. He also included two comments that followed, the first one was from my bitter and spiteful ex-husband, the biggest hypocrite I know. The other comment, just recently posted, was from someone named Amy.

Amy’s comment hit home because, while I did come clean with my friends, I had not done so publicly. What Amy said was mostly right, I have not been 100% honest and when I reread the story I wrote back in 2014, I cringe. I also wanted to throat punch the old me who wrote it.

Listen, at that time I did have a drug problem, I was also an alcoholic. My drug of choice was marijuana but over the years I have also done cocaine. It was not my first time doing meth, it was more like my 20th time. After I divorced William, I began to do it more often and was self-destructing at a frightening speed. My bad choices are no one’s fault but my own.

I did not expect a slap on the wrist, as Amy insists, but the 14-year plea deal they offered me did not seem reasonable at the time. However, I did lie and try to minimize the facts. I take full responsibility for that.

When you do something awful and are then rejected and abandoned by everyone you know and love, life gets pretty lonely and dismal. The shame was overwhelming, and I tried to do whatever I could to be seen as misunderstood and less guilty. That just made things worse. No one sympathizes with a coward right?

The other thing I lied about was the fact that I had a pocket knife on me. I always said it was in my purse the whole time, but that isn’t true. It was in my jacket pocket. My intention was to scare the woman with it if she turned around and caught me with her purse. I don’t think I would have harmed her, but you never know. I was not myself that night.

To this day there is a fuzzy memory of me starting to take the little pocket knife out as I was grabbing the purse. I’m not sure if that is an actual memory or the plan I had running through my head beforehand. The thing is, she didn’t see me take her purse, so I didn’t need to scare her, as awful as that sounds. The video surveillance doesn’t support that memory. I left it in my pocket and instead grabbed my key fob to make a quick getaway, which is what I did.

So, while I didn’t technically threaten anyone with a knife, it doesn’t matter because that was my intention if she would’ve caught me. I think that makes me just as guilty. I feel a tremendous amount of remorse, so please don’t assume I don’t. I still can’t believe I did that. I’m sorry to my victims and I apologize to the readers who have read my self-serving, phony b.s. in “My Crime.”

As far as “finding God,” I can understand your skepticism. The phony jailhouse religion is really a thing for some people. They forget about God as soon as they leave the prison gates. There are also thousands of reformed inmates who never went back to drugs or crime because the relationship they have with God is real. That bond is unbreakable. I’m in the second category, believe it or not.

This time in prison has been a blessing in so many ways. I only did one appeal and then dropped it. I’ve done a lot of good in the last eight and a half years here. I’m sober, saved, at peace, joyful, and healed emotionally and mentally. I’ve learned to be humble, honest, and accept correction. I probably do deserve twenty years because I’ve gotten away with some DWIs along with some other lesser crimes. Now I have a degree, finished dozens of self-help courses, and I’m currently in CDL class so I can drive eighteen wheelers for a living.

I’m not concerned with William’s comment since he has always been one to point out others’ mistakes but refuses to be accountable for his own. He and I didn’t even know each other when I got my first felony. My cousin lied to me, told me she needed me to drive a car back from an auction for her. She swore it was 100% legal, but she lied. There were several pounds of marijuana in the gas tank. I was eight months pregnant and had brought my 4-year old daughter along. I was furious and never spoke to my cousin again. My cousin was murdered two years ago. I should have told her I forgive her but it’s too late. I also forgive William for everything he has done to me. I hope he forgives me too.

Anyhow, thanks to Amy for calling me out. I should have done this a long time ago.

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.”

• 2 Corinthians 5:17

Christine White #1884794 

Hilltop Unit

1500 State School Road

Gatesville, TX  76598