This is why I return to prison over and over again. Straight to the point: me thinking I can game the system, beat it, get over, scam, cheat, lie, steal, and get away with it all. Also, I’m one who will manipulate and connive to get my way.
One definition of insanity is attempting the same actions multiple times and expecting a different result. This is my 4th time relinquishing my freedom for the chance of a quick dollar. I must be insane. Not to mention the rationales I give myself to do things that I know are wrong, incorrect, illegal, immoral, or all of the above, have to be insane as well because the end results have not changed one iota … prison and the cycle of incarceration.
I’ve never prepared myself adequately for the return to society. I’ve continued to believe that I can wing it and figure it out as it goes along. WRONG AGAIN MATTHEW. WTF?!? What’s it going to take? How can you be so intelligent yet be so fucking stupid? While that question is rhetorical, it’s one I’ve really needed to seriously contemplate.
I was released in a pre-COVID world (Nov 2019). I found a job, met a woman I would fall in love with and marry. We found a place to live, both had jobs, paid bills, struggled to stay afloat, but we did it. Legitimately, honestly, respectfully. Living boring everyday lives and I was OKAY with it. Beats prison, doesn’t it? I wish I could go back now. I haven’t been truthful with much or with many in my life but I honestly miss my life. I miss my wife and It hurts that I gave it and her up for nothing. I wasted it all away.
Things weren’t necessarily all rainbows and unicorns, normal relationships have rocky times and mine was no exception. Infidelities on both parties, lies, etc. I loved my wife, Heartbroken but I still love her. I still dream of her. She’s not dead or anything but I made things so complicated in life for not only myself but her as well to the point where she decided she’d had enough of my bullshit and filed for divorce, God that hurt. I’ve been divorced now for over a year and the wound still festers.
Where did the downfall begin? I don’t think I can specifically point to any one specific event, but I began stealing for no reason other than to have some money. Money for dumb shit. Not for rent or car payments or anything like that (not that those things justify, but I believe they’re understandable as to why people turn to the dark side). I think I spent the money on lottery scratch tickets and some weed. I didn’t have to steal, yet it was there and I did it. I shit in my own backyard and it got me fired from my job. Boy did I step in it.
I’m not perfect. Far from it. I’m more like the antithesis of perfection. A piece of shit to be honest. I’ve never been regretful for much in my life, and maybe I should have been??? BUT… I really wish I would have made SOOOOOOOOO many different choices. I hurt so many people. The ones who were closest to me most of all.
Why does it take the negativity and things going way wrong before someone (including myself) realizes and internalizes what’s going on? I would give anything in the world to go back in time and make the correct choices or at least make choices that weren’t the shitty ones I did make.
I’m trying to describe things without making specific overtures to any crimes or one action criminal or personal because I don’t want to glorify the negative. I want to get the point across that making the wrong choices over and over is insanity. It can cost you not only your freedom but everything you consider yours in life. You quickly find out how much it may not have been as bad as it could’ve.
Positive decision-making with realistic goal-setting and actively pursuing those goals without giving up is the secret. Little goals. Big goals. Rewards for those goals. Not giving up if you don’t achieve them. Accepting help when it’s offered isn’t a bad thing either. I mean common sense would show if you don’t have the ability to do something on your own and there is help offered, then ignoring the help due to hard-headedness or whatever reason is just stupidity and stubbornness. Seems like common sense but I’ve come to realize that common sense isn’t all that common or it’s easily ignored. I have common sense but I’ve chosen not to utilize it more often than not in the past.
I want to be normal. Nothing about me is normal.
I want my wife to love me again. She currently hates me, my name, and anything about me. She once asked me why she wasn’t enough for me to not be devious or criminal or anything like that. I told her she was. My actions spoke oh so much louder. I assumed that her love for me would override my being a piece of shit, and she would always be there for me. Turns out I was mistaken. She loved the me that did right and was good. Not the douchebag who would steal your wallet and then help you look for it.
That woman was a good woman I turned sour due to my dishonesty and douchebaggery. I said I haven’t been regretful for much in my life but that is one thing I definitely regret. I still wish I had the opportunity to fix things but there may be nothing that can be done and that hurts even more.
I focus a lot in this on my wife because she was such a main focal point in my life while I was out the last time. She was my wife, best friend, and I took advantage of that. I mean negatively.
I guess I can’t complain because I made my choices and made her a sacrifice. Why would you choose to give up a good woman for crime? Two plus two is not equaling four in this equation.
People as a whole, we rationalize things at the drop of a hat and it is usually in a situation we talk ourselves into, knowing that we are in the wrong and doing something we are aware we shouldn’t. I am famous for this.
You have to recognize the faults in yourself in order to correct them. Otherwise, if you aren’t aware of something is wrong, how can you ever begin to diagnose the problem and correct whatever is wrong?
When I lost my job for theft, I was rightly fired. I lied to everyone saying I didn’t do it, something is wrong, please pity me…. A cheetah can never change its spots. People aren’t stupid, and they knew I stole that money. I’m a thief that’s what I do. A drunkard drinks, a smoker smokes, a runner runs. A thief steals. Would I change that choice I made to steal? Yes, but you know honestly I can observe and recognize that I probably would have stolen something different at some different time.
I am fully committed to never ever ever ever coming back again. I can never do this again. I’ve lost everything in life, again. Freedom, relationships, materialistic things, trust, money, jobs, children etc. I hate it. I’m fucking fed up and through with doing this time and time again. Plus being an evil sneaky conniving, thieving lying piece of shit isn’t really what I want to be in life. I don’t know what “normal” is exactly but I dream of being “normal.”
Can I get my wife back? Can I get my children back? Can I get my act together? An honest answer is — I don’t know. I am going to try. I just need to make better decisions and not be a piece of shit.
