Prison Rape and The Child Molester

The following story about prison rape may be sensitive to some readers. Readers discretion is advised. Note, it is not my intention to offend anyone. I write what I feel and if it offends you, well, I never said I was perfect.

You know something, I was asked by a social worker when she was asking me some questions – she had asked me if I was gay or bisexual. These were the only two options she gave me. Just because  I have been involved with someone of the same sex does not make me gay or bisexual, or does it? I’ve been forced to be engaged in sexual relations with other guys. Been pressured to do sexual things with other guys. I’ve also done things on my own free will. But does this label me as gay or bisexual? 

I’m not sure if I would call myself gay or bisexual. Feeling lonely and not having that touch of a female sure does make a man feel lost. Something he looks for and needs but cannot find it and only can turn to another man to comfort him. I myself miss that touch a female can give me, makes me feel whole again. I know that once I do leave prison that I will find that female that I can be with and will be able to accept me for me and not judge me because of my past  mistakes. 

A chance to prove myself is all I ask. No one is perfect. Not one person in this world is ever going to be perfect. We have to learn to accept others as they are, or what they have been through or even what they have done. They say we only live once, enjoy your life the best way you can, be as happy as you can be. Never judge anyone because of their past mistakes. I would never judge you and I hope you would never judge me. 

Let me explain why this social worker asked me if I was gay or bisexual? When I was sent out of state because the Governor thought it would save Wisconsin some money to house inmates out of state, I was forced to engage in sexual acts with my cellie [cellmate]. My first night I was raped by my cellie. He pulled me off the bunk after I had refused and started to hit me and once he stopped he made me undress and then he performed anal sex on me. My cellie also sold me to his friends. As they would be waiting in the cell for me and once I returned I would have to do what they paid for either it being oral sex or anal sex. 

Of course they told me that if I said anything that they would kill me and I didn’t say anything. I was pulled into a cell by two inmates and they started to hit me and they closed the door and started to pull my clothes off and had me lean over the bunk on my knees as one of them held my neck down as the other one went behind me and started to penetrate me as he performed anal sex on me as the other guy held me down. When the first guy was done then the other guy when behind me and he started to penetrate me as he performed anal sex on me while the other guy held me down. Once they were done they told me to get dressed and that is what I get for messing with kids. 

I left the room and when I came into my room my cellie was sitting on his bunk looking at a High Society magazine (nudity magazine). He looked at me and asked me if I liked what he had set up for me. Of course I said yes. He said that’s good, now come over here and suck me off. I never said anything all the time I was out of state in fear that they would hurt me. This happened all the time I was at this out of state prison. 

My cellie treated me really bad and had me do things I never thought I would ever have to do. My cellie asked me what I was in prison for and if I lied he would beat me. So I told him what I did, that I performed oral sex on my than six year old daughter twice. I feared my cellie and I didn’t want to keep getting hit so I did what I did to stop him from hitting me. He made me do a lot of sexual acts with his friends and with him. This happened all the time I was at this prison for about a year. 

I was sent back to Wisconsin and this didn’t stop cause some of the inmates that was out of state with me and was sent to the same prison and soon after I was again being pressured into doing sexual acts either in my room or in the shower. When I got moved, the unit had open showers and I felt unsafe because of what has happened to me before in open showers. 

I have been pretty open about what I have been through while I’ve been in prison and I do take some blame for my actions for the way I let myself be taken advantage of. But I realize that that’s not how I want my life to be. I started to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of, say what needs to be said. You want to know something? I feel good about myself for being able to stand up for myself and not having to do something I do not want to do.  

So, after talking to this social worker about my situation and all that I have been through that is why she asked me if I was gay or bisexual so they could move me to another unit where I would feel better in. But only giving me two options of being gay or bisexual was kinda unfair to me. So, am I gay or bisexual? I don’t think I’m either of them. That’s just how I see it. 

Someone else may think differently. But however they feel and think about me is their choice. I can’t make someone like me or change the way they think about me. That has to come from them. One day I’ll be free from these walls I’m confined to and one day I’ll find someone who I can be with and accept me for who I am the same way I would accept them. We are who we are. I am who I am.

What makes someone a bad person? Is it something that someone else sees? Is it something that another person says that makes that person a bad person? I’ve wondered plenty of times on why I’m sitting in prison and I’ve done nothing all these years? Why aren’t these people trying to help me? Help me understand what I did wrong? Even if we do change, change the way we are, is that going to be good enough? Most of us go back to the same way we were. Nothing will ever change, nothing will ever change. If the person is going to be the person he or she is, than that’s on them. 

No one can truly change. One day we will fuck up again and be right back into the same situation, cause nothing has changed, nothing has changed. A lot of people tell others how they should live their lives. How they should be, maybe even more like them. But we live our life the way we see is the best way for us. Sure, mistakes get made along the way, but that is what life is about. We all learn from right and wrong, some do better than others and some have a hard time and those are the ones that get a blind eye turned to them. 

They say they want to help, but yet nothing happens, no help is given and now we are right back into the same situation, cause nothing has changed, nothing has changed. 

Maybe this is how life is supposed to be? 

I mean I look around and see all these people in prison. My life is no different than theirs. To me, life is pointless. There is no meaning to life. We live to die. What else is there? What else is there in life? NOTHING…. There’s nothing good that comes from life. We live, just to die. Now we are right back into the same situation, cause nothing has changed, nothing has changed.

How can I help myself to be what I’m supposed to be in this life of mine? I wish I knew, I wish I knew what to do? How to change the way people look at me and the way they talk about me. Sure it would be nice to hear someone tell me that I’m doing good or that it’s going to be okay. Or even have someone there for me when this is all said and done. But will anything ever be the same? A person may be there at first, but now they are gone without even a goodbye. One moment they are here, and the next they are gone. Life is not that great. So much suffering goes with it. How can someone enjoy life when there is so much hurt and not enough love? Now, we are right back into the same situation, cause nothing has changed, nothing has changed and nothing will ever change the way we are or the kind of person we want to be.

I AM, WHO I AM.

Lately I’ve been feeling so left out of society that I get so depressed and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I sit here and try so hard to have that connection with my son, but it’s just not going to happen because of the way things are between us. I know I did wrong, but why must people shut me out? You know today makes me being in prison for 20 and a half years. Yeah, that’s a long time. A lot of things changed, a lot of people have changed. I know I’ve changed, but I don’t think it matters because I’ll always be seen as the “bad one.” Why can’t people see me for me? Accept me for who I am? But, we all know that, that’s not possible. I may have changed but the outside world hasn’t. 

It seems like a lot of people want me to give up, lay my arms down and not try any more. Why would I do that or give them that satisfying feeling and them getting what they want? When can I ever get what I want? Everyone gets a piece of the pie, but when I want a piece, where is it? I know I failed at a lot of things in this life of mine. But we live and learn from our mistakes and make right so we don’t fall back to the same old situation. 

Can forgiveness ever be given? Can we really forgive someone for the wrong they have done to us? Some say they can, when others say they can never forgive. What can you do when the whole world seems blue and nothing seems to be going our way? When life seems to be bringing us down, there has to be someone there for us, who understands, will lend that hand when we are down. There has to be a way to be free from this misery we live our lives in. One day these walls will fall behind me and someday I’ll be back on my feet again. I know I will not live my life on past mistakes. 

I am who I am, that will never change.  

I’ve sat here in prison and I’ve seen a lot, been through a lot. But prison is not supposed to be a nice place. Remember, this is where they send the ” bad ones.” I tend to stay away from the ones I don’t care for, but most of my time I have spent time by myself, sitting at the table by myself. So I know how it feels to be left out from a card game or not having someone to talk to. But, I’m okay with that. Well, sometimes I am and sometimes I wish I would be asked to play cards or have someone come over and sit by me and we could talk. 

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m just not that likable of a person. But there is one thing I don’t understand is why someone would not want to change their life. Take this person that I know that is in prison for his 9th OWI (DWI). You would think that this person would want to change the way his life is? But that’s far, far from happening. He told me that he will not stop drinking, but he will stop driving while drinking. Really? 9th OWI and you’re telling me that you’re not going to drive after you have been drinking? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. 

What is it going to take for this person or anyone else to realize that if these actions don’t stop, that one day they are going to either kill someone or kill themselves. I’m not going to sit here and tell someone how to live their lives. One has to learn the hard way as I had to. My actions have not only hurt me, but everyone around me. I put that black mark on my family, my kids and this is how they see me now as the “bad one.” Someone who will never change. 

I want to change, I need to change my ways, because if I don’t then my life will be spent in prison and that my dear friend is something I do not want my life to be like. I want to be able to enjoy myself, enjoy my life. Prison is not a place to live one’s life. Sure, it’s going to be hard for me to do the right thing, to not fall back to my ” old ways.” My life is not ruined just because I can’t drink or go to the bars. That part of my life I can do without. There’s more to life to enjoy and be able to spend it on the outside of prison. But if prison is a place someone feels he/she needs to be because they can’t function on the outside of the fence, than have at it.

I can’t sit here and preach to someone about the wrong they have done or don’t feel the need to want to change how their life is. So, like I said, some of us need to find things out the hard way before they can see that they need to change how they live their life. 

To everyone out there trying to change how their lives are, who have changed and are doing better: please, don’t stop trying and never give up on yourself. I am who I am, that will never change, but I will change the way my life is, to better myself to be the person I should be.

I give my permission for the following to be use in whole or in part.

Tom Stiebs

Wisconsin