Missed Life Experiences: I’m 54 and Never Had a Blowjob

Frederick offers perspective on the intimate missed life experiences from within the walls of a maximum-security prison.

What life experiences have you missed in 33 years?

Over the years, I’ve actually been asked this question several times. Each time, I’ve given a different answer, ranging from having children to not going to Disneyland. The list is long and encompasses so many different things. There’s so much that I’ve missed out on.

But the other day, an odd and disturbing thought came to me: I’m 54 years old, and I’ve never had a blowjob.

If that isn’t a commentary on my life, I don’t know what is.

I feel like Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I’ve met guys who haven’t done certain sexual things, but getting blown is the most basic sex act that a man can experience. I have had sex, though, albeit with girls whose attitude was, “Hell no. You want me to put my mouth on what?”

When I was growing up, oral sex was seen as disgusting and nasty. Now, it’s a prerequisite and prelude to the big act. I think I had a girl kiss my stomach, but that was as far as it went.

Now, here I am, a man who’s been on this Earth for half a century, and I haven’t experienced what most men on this planet dream and talk about in locker rooms.

In full transparency, I’ll admit that here in prison, I’ve been propositioned a few times. Each time, I’ve politely said, “No, thank you.” I don’t want my first experience to be from a guy named “Champagne,” who has a beard and is built like Hulk Hogan.

But when it comes to sex, I have a bucket list of things that I want to do or at least try, many of which I can’t mention here. But I know that once I get started and begin crossing items off my list, I’ll ask myself what in the hell ever made me think that would be sexy or a turn-on.

Prison, by nature, is a very sexual place because of the pent-up sexual energy. It’s an environment with the most sexually frustrated people in the world—and they wonder why there’s so much anger and violence behind bars. When a guy gets out, the first thing he wants to do is have dirty, nasty sex. That’s why it’s often suggested that he first have sex with a prostitute and get it all out of his system. After he gets done, he’ll be fine and ready to rejoin civilized society.

I hear that female inmates are just as bad as men and maybe even worse. I’ll admit that I would love to hear their sexual conversations.

But with all the sexual thoughts and talk inside, does that make a prisoner someone who objectifies women? Yes and no. It’s not intentional, and no guy in prison wants to demean a woman after spending decades without female contact. But with each passing year, a woman’s value rises, and they become the center of the prison multiverse for men.

I will go to my grave saying that prisoners are some of the most respectful people in the world when it comes to women, and no one fits that bill more than me. Still, the moment I get out, kiss the ground, and find myself a cigarette, I’m going to look for someone to end my fellatio virginity to enter into manhood fully.