Today I saw another man die in prison. At my cell door. I watched him take his final breath and let life go. I saw when his life left him, alone with no family or loved ones to comfort him at his end. Today, I watched my biggest fear play out less than three feet from me. Everyone around him was a stranger. I have seen death many times, and I have seen the difference between having someone there that loves you and dying alone with nobody.
I have lost people in my life to death, to bad choices and to mistakes that drove them away, caused by me being an addict, and not being the man, father and husband that I should have been to them. With that being the case, I am truly afraid of dying alone, with no one there to love or comfort me. No one to mourn my passing, no one to hold my hand, kiss me goodbye. I am not afraid of dying, just dying alone, and dying alone in prison. Same as this young man had to do.
While watching this young man die in front of me, with our eyes locked on each other, I wondered if he had the same fears I did about dying there alone. I think he did as I saw the fear and sadness in his eyes. My fears and emotions were in overdrive now; fear, sadness and anger came over me. The fear that I could meet the same fate he had. That became very overwhelming to me. The sadness I felt for this young man as he was lying on the floor, blood surrounding him. The fear on his face, the tears in his eyes as I saw him die. Then came the fear and anger inside myself because I had lived such a life, that maybe my own family would not be there when I die. That like him, I would slowly die on a cold prison floor, alone and scared.
As I sat on my bed trying to control my feelings and thoughts about what I watched happen, and the emotions and fear it caused me, I started to feel a glimmer of hope and relief come over me. I’ve worked so hard to repair my relationships with my family, to show them I am not the same man I was for so many years.
While doing this, I got my daughter in my life just over a year ago. She wrote to me and told me she loved me, and that she forgives me for my past mistakes and choices. What an amazing gesture! I am still working on the rest of my family being in my life every day now.
Moreover, it got me thinking about the fears this brought up inside me. The more I thought about it, the calmer and more peaceful I became. If I die in prison or die out in the world, I won’t be alone. My children, my grandchildren, and the woman I have loved for over thirty years will be with me because I’ve realized they are in my heart as well as my every thought. They are and always have been a part of me, the very best part of me. That will never change.
So, I know now that if they are not there physically, they will still be with me in the end because they will be the last thought in my mind, and the last sight in my eyes. They will be the comfort in my soul and the love in my heart, which will defeat my fear of dying alone. As I now know, I carry them with me always. In addition, that gives me the peace I will need when death finds me.
Therefore, I hope the young man found peace in the end as I have now found mine. Thanks to the love, forgiveness, and hope my daughter has given me, I know I will never be alone now, in life or in death, as I carry my family in my heart every day.
Kenneth Edwards
Inmate # 383909
MacDougall Correctional
1516 Old Gilliard Rd.
Ridgeville, SC 29472
