Markus A. Barry writes about being an incarcerated father and the lasting pain of leaving his young daughters behind, watching from prison as they grew up, struggled with his absence, and built lives of their own.
Nearly 28 years ago, I became intertwined with the criminal justice system, which resulted in my incarceration to date.
Along with the stress of a natural life sentence, the responsibility of having left three small children behind and a pregnant girlfriend almost overwhelmed me to the point where I could not think straight.
A conviction that results in a prison sentence is a separate world, connected by reality. People tend to lose hope because of the experience of pain, which may compel them to make choices that are not conducive to the moral support warranted in order to endure hardships.
When a parent or guardian attempts to explain to his children why he has not been present in their lives, it is not simple to do. Words of comfort can only go so far. The wrong strategy to utilize is lies as a means to avoid reality.
In the absence of a loving, caring mother or father, a child experiences so much. Statistically, the most important years of a child’s life are when they are young — the best years of development.
Although visits, phone calls, photos, as well as other ways of communicating, may aid you in both building and securing relationships, life tends to proceed in such a way. Whether it is a female or male serving time, everyone who is emotionally invested becomes impacted.
The average person may think that a child cannot discern when they are among a stressful situation, but an experienced parent is aware of the same.
Separated from My Children
Having sat within the county jail for almost two years, the isolation from my children became an experience that has remained with all of us to date.
I allude to the above because there was a battle ensuing within us between the belief that justice would prevail and, on the other hand, doing our best to manage the fears.
Every visiting day that my daughters arrived to see me was a comfort to all of us. Three of them would be compiled within the minute cubicle utilized to communicate between visitors. One of them would be situated alongside the mother of my youngest daughters, so everyone would be involved with whatever was being shared.
To be so close to each other, but restricted from physical contact, was a form of torture.
Mind you, it is both a concern and a relief to peer into the eyes of your offspring and to empathize with their pain.
Sooner than later, reality would hit me hard.
A Visit I Never Forgot
At the end of one of the visits with my daughters, my three-year-old daughter started to cry, which only intensified once she realized that the usual interaction she formerly knew was not available to her.
Even though her mother and I made it our business to comfort her, she was pretty much inconsolable. Considering that visiting hours were over, it was far more than a challenge to walk away.
I did not have much of a choice.
I cannot recall if I slept that night or how I was able to sleep. Such an experience has been engraved within my mind.
Out of the four daughters that I have, she has manifested the pain of my absence and a clear expression of her discontentment about our separation.
It was a day that I truly felt helpless.
Watching Life Move On
I am not minimizing the fact that others were hurting as well, but since my incarceration, I have learned that each individual confronts reality differently.
As a father who left children behind at such young ages, I still cannot believe that grandchildren have become an addition to the family and that my daughters are driving.
Wow.
After so many years of being physically isolated from the free world, people’s lives have taken on a different course. Before, I was instrumental in creating and executing a schedule for my daughters. Now, I have to fit into their lives.
Also, I have acknowledged that although our children need and deserve to be attended to based upon their personalities, love can only be shared genuinely if those who intend to convey the same know its purpose and value.
Despite whatever comes our way, the love extended to each other shall never dissipate.
