Interpersonal relationships are always important. But, in a prison setting, it is a lot more so. After all, we live in a small community where we must interact with the same people all the time.
Here are some tips on how to relate to others…
1) Learn names. Not just what their given name is, but what the person prefers to be called. Unless they want you to, try not to call an inmate by their last name. After all, that is how the guards usually refer to us.
2) Be a “comfortable” person. Learn to be someone people don’t feel awkward around. Basically, this means to not be overbearing (pushy) -or- withdrawn (standoffish). Try to find the middle ground.
3) Be relaxed, easygoing, and patient. No matter what the other person acts like, learn patience… learn o be relaxed around people, in any situation. That takes practice, I know. After over twenty years in prison, I still forget sometimes.
4) Don’t be egotistical. Regardless of how smart you are, or how uneducated the other person is compared to you, it doesn’t pay to act like you are better than they are. Even if you know that what the other person is telling you is incorrect… think about what the result would be if you were to correct them. Would it help to point out the error, or cause an argument… or even a fight?
5) Pay attention. Cultivate the quality of being genuinely interested in people. No matter where they are in life… how young or old they are… or their education level… you just might learn something from them.
6) Study to get the “scratchy” elements out of your personality. That is: traits which may irritate or annoy others. The best way to do this is to have a GOOD friend (one who can be perfectly honest with you) to tell you what these traits might be.
7) Attempt to heal misunderstandings when possible, but don’t push. Let them know you are willing to work things out. But, if it looks like they need some time or space, give it to them.
8) Practice liking people. A good way to do this is is to silently “examine” each person you meet. Look for positive traits and things you like about them.
9) Be aware of who might be “shunned” or outcast by others. Let them know you are not like others. A person who became one of my all-time best friends was a person like that when I first met him.
10) Never miss an opportunity to congratulate or complement. All people appreciate a “pat on the back” from time to time.
11) Introduce yourself and others to those you know. By doing so, you just might help others develop a relationship.
12) Practice conversation generosity. You have two ears and one mouth. Therefore, you should speak half as much as you listen. A bad habit many people have is trying to think of a response or comeback while the other person is talking. Listen to all they have to say before coming up with a reply.
13) Keep in mind that you don’t TRULY know the other person. There may be parts of their life that you wouldn’t be able to relate to. Be satisfied with the things you might have in common. As the relationship develops, the deeper issues will be easier to see.
14) Watch prejudice. Again, you may not know the whole person. Just because someone is different from you does not mean they won’t have something to offer. This can apply to race, color, religion, gender, preference, age, or even criminal background.
15) Be open-minded. Even if what a person has to say is completely “off the wall”, there may be something to it.
16) Allow people their own “mythology”. A lot of people… especially in prison… tend to make up pieces of their past. This could be because they don’t want people to know about their past, or it could be that there are things in their past THEY would rather remember differently.
17) Above all else, be yourself. People can spot a “phony” from miles away. If you pretend to be something you are not, it will be hard to develop any kind of relationship, let alone develop a friendship.
Even though I’ve only had a few good friends over my years in prison, I can honestly say there are very few people who don’t at least “tolerate” me, in spite of my very “checkered” past. Not because I’m anyone special, but because I constantly have to work on the items above.
One Comment
Thank you for this guide. Having a great relationship with the people around you is a great thing, especially when you are away with your family.