Finding Hope in Prison: Turning Broken Pieces Into a Mosaic of Change

If you think of it, we usually don’t see the formation our life is shaping up to be as it’s happening. We are usually living from one piece of life to the next piece of life. Some pieces are broken and worthless and some pieces are filled with priceless gems. Either way, that part of our life is one of the many pieces that come together to form a picture of who we are today. A picture that took years to form by forces that we probably never even knew were working to shape us at the time.

But time does always tell.

The picture formed doesn’t always show what we went through to get to where we are in life today. But when we look back, we see how demanding moments and shattering seasons pushed and pulled us until we formed either a good or bad shape. Some of these moments are so painful we’d do almost anything to change them … Some of these moments are so wonderful that we strive to relive that moment over and over again. Sometimes daydreaming of them repeatedly. Whatever the moment, it collapsed at some point and we thought it was the end of that piece of our life. But it wasn’t actually the end but a signaling of a new beginning. The fact is they are the strongest part of our foundation – the pieces that ultimately hold us together and determine the shape our lives take.

We are what we are because of these moments.

My life has a lot of very broken pieces. I was raised in a broken home where things like adultery, drugs, fighting and abandonment was the everyday normal life. It was how we were supposed to be. In my young mind this was how normal looked. So, hearing drug were bad or be faithful and don’t hurt others wasn’t what normal was supposed to look like.

Of course I didn’t listen. It would be like telling a kid to not play in the sand box with all the other kids out there having fun, and then sending him outside with all the other kids. All the pieces of my life were built with a “normal” that doesn’t fit in society. But being a kid, I didn’t understand this. I only understood that life was more fun living like my parents and all their friends.

What is the real normal?

Living with this mentality caused me to like living a destructive lifestyle.

Society doesn’t really get to see all the little piece that shaped the picture they see today in me. They see their murderer drug addict/ criminal/ and predator. All the piece I have put together over a lifetime. But/ that is not all I am today. I still have piece I am trying to add to my life.

I am trying to be a better person!

I’ve been in prison – which is filled with oppression, slavery, violence and so much negativity — for a long time now — that I have almost forgotten what it is to be a human being. Prison society is different from the society outside our concrete cells. The society in here does drugs, lies, cheats, steals and manipulates. It also objectifies sexuality and the human body.

The deprivation of actual human contact causes a change in the perception toward affection and love. It’s no longer a thing shared with someone you care about. It is something to be taken from others. The pieces of myself that the prison has made normalized isn’t a part of me I like to admit to. I have adapted to fit in and be normal in here. I don’t like it. I haven’t had a hug or been shown any kind of affection in so long that I know I am broken inside. I would cry if I got a hug from a woman that cared any little bit about me.

I am a man that craves love.

I’ve come to realize a big piece of my life is broken. I can’t change this. But I believe the time has come to bring that piece to a close and start a new one. I am trying to find help to make the changes needed to be a better man. I don’t know how to do it by myself. I know my normal is not the normal that it needs to be. I want to take charge of my life and reform the shape it has been taking and turn the picture everyone sees into something amazing. Before it is all said and done…

I want everyone to see the beautiful mosaic I know I can be!

All the pieces I have built over the last 40 years can have a better purpose than to label me only a bad guy. I want to show the world I have a better purpose.

I will find the help I need to make the changes I need to stop the path I have always been on. I hope to meet people that only want positive things for those around them. I hope to see the good in people rather than seeing how to use them. I have hope! My mosaic will be a thing of beauty.