I have been free of you only a few weeks and my mind is just clear enough to know I miss you. Every day I remember how I felt when I was yours and I think maybe it was better than this overwhelming feeling I carry every day.
Yes, you took my money, family, self-worth, conscience, and my ability to make rational choices. Yes, eventually you took my freedom but you came with me into these prison walls. I had learned to do without my money, family, sane mind, and the rest, but you…oh you, I am just now learning to do without. It is not easy — I wake with my mouth salivating, not for food, but for you. You are my first and last thought of the day. I miss the burn as you slid up my nose, the heat as I felt you hit my blood stream, the burst of energy as you flooded my system, and the numbness of my emotions.
It is funny how when I am clear minded but in the throes of my craving, I forget the paranoia, the anxiety of trying to pay my dues to keep you with me. I forget the laughter and loves lost because my need of you was greater than my need for food, friends, family, or finances. I forget what was lost and only focus on you.
Today, I am stronger than yesterday. Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I might even feel like I need you, but I choose to say no. I want those things I lost and I know I can have them, but you cannot be a part of it. You, my dear drugs, never knew how to only be a part. You consume and demand to be the whole. When you are the whole, I am none. So, I choose today to say no. I choose today to say I do want food, friends, family, and finances. Today, I want my clear head and I will be strong enough to deal with the cravings.
Tomorrow, we will have this conversation again, but tomorrow my head will be one day clearer. My blood one day cleaner; my strength will be one day stronger. Get used to being a part of my past where you will never be the whole again. I choose life — I choose me without you.