10 Prison Rules

Prison can be a scary place. Even scarier can be the IDEA of prison for someone who is facing it, especially if that someone has never been and is unsure of what they can expect. So I’ve put together a list of ten simple rules that you may use as a guide on your journey. Before you even get on the bus, however, you need to keep one thing in mind: You’re not going to the Hollywood Unit. Prison is not like what you’ve seen in all those lame-ass prison flicks. Most of those clowns wouldn’t make it through the first week. In fact, it is not real prison and real convicts that influence Hollywood, but visa  versa. It is Hollywood that influences the behavior of real convicts, making them believe that “this is how a real convict should act.”

Rule Number 1: Leave the cops alone.

These people are not your friends nor do they have your best interests at heart. The very first lesson prison taught me is that the more you talk to or involve yourself with the police, the better your chances are of getting into a wreck. All it takes is one misspoken word or chance remark to be misconstrued and there goes the ballgame. Make no mistake: these people are cops. They look like cops, they act like cops, and they think like cops. Therefore, they must be cops.

It is their job—and some of them believe it to be a religious vocation — to put their foot on your neck and keep you down. They have been encouraged by their bosses to write up petty, and more often than not, silly disciplinary reports just to keep the tension up, or to create situations in which somebody will ultimately get dropped on their head. Namely, you.

Don’t get me wrong. Not all of them are assholes. Some are even fairly normal. But the majority of these people work in prisons not because the pay is so great or the work is so challenging. Most of them work here because it fills a need. These little would-be dictators are no more than schoolyard bullies. Prison work allows them, under the umbrella of the State’s protection, to get up to the sort of fuckery that if they were to try it in the free world society, they would be beaten, shot, or jailed. Are these the sort of people you want to spend your time trying to impress? You might be surprised at just how many people never seem to be able to grasp this concept. People who should know better.

Rule Number 2: If it doesn’t seem right, it probably ain’t right.

You have to trust your instincts regarding the people down here and the situations you can suddenly find yourself in. Many people get themselves into bad situations as a result of not knowing what to do or how they should respond. They end up overthinking things and making a mess.

Go with your gut, not your head. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Somebody won’t like you? They won’t play with you anymore? They might talk mean to you? I mean, hell. They ain’t going to eat you. Well, a few of these weirdos might try. But it should be remembered that it is always simpler to avoid a bad situation altogether than it is to get out of one.

When I was still a green kid about to come down here, an old school convict that took me under his wing told me that if someone says something that you don’t understand, go ahead and smoke his chucks. You can worry later about whether you were right or wrong. I mean, you can always apologize. The cat will either accept it or he won’t.

In prison, you learn to get a thick skin. The more solid guys, the ones who are the real deal, won’t take this personally. A number of them will even respect it because they’ll know where they stand with you: that is, say something stupid and get popped in the mouth. Only weaklings, sissies, and little girls cry because they got their feelings hurt.

Rule Number 3: Have heart.

You don’t have to be the biggest, the baddest, the toughest guy around. Most of those cats are dead anyway. You just have to be willing to make a showing. In many ways, this place can be a shark tank. Guys in the joint prey on those they feel are weak. Over the years, I’ve heard quite a few of them talk about how much they like to fight. What they don’t say, however, is they like it so long as they can win. Nobody likes getting their ass kicked. Prison is about respect and in this twisted-up cartoon world this is one of the ways people go about getting it. It’s not the only way or even the most important way, like being a man of your word, doing what you say you’ll do, helping a brother out, always having his back. It’s about making a showing.

Rule 3 is not always an easy one to follow. There are some scary guys in here.

But don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about them. We’re all human and to be afraid of getting hurt is natural. They are too. Everyone gets scared sometime. There is no shame in being scared. The important thing is how we conquer that fear. What is important is that you not allow it to control what you need to do that you push on through and carry out your agenda.

And if you do get beat up, what of it? It happens to everyone. I mean, hell. You can’t win ’em all. It only hurts for a little while and most of that will just be your pride. If you get into a fight in prison, winning and losing are not what is important. What is important is that you have the heart to make a showing, that you never appear weak in the face of your opponent.

Rule Number 4: Be aware of your surroundings.

Always pay attention to what is going on. Sometimes, little things that you heard or saw yesterday and didn’t appear to mean anything can suddenly blossom, becoming important today in light of unfolding events. In other words, if you’re in the dayroom, in the showers, on the yard, or in the chow hall, and something jumps, you don’t want to be the guy who gets caught standing around with his head in the clouds and his thumb up his ass.

These areas are crowded and can turn dangerous in the blink of an eye. Learn how to shut up. You will learn far more with your eyes and your ears than you ever will with your mouth. No one has gone wrong yet by keeping his mouth closed. There are plenty upon plenty of cats in the joint that love to talk. It’s not that they have anything of substance to say, but they only want to show everyone how smart they are, how tough they are, or how much they know. Most times, they aren’t even talking to anyone. They just talk at someone’s face so it won’t appear as though they’re talking to themselves. Which they are. But know this also: everything that they say and do is being mentally recorded, analyzed, and catalogued for later retrieval. It will be studied with the intent of finding the chink in the armor, to be used and exploited at leisure. You can bet the exact same thing is being done for you.

Rule Number 5: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

People, especially strangers, do not give anything away for free, although they may appear to. People who suddenly want to be your friend, yet have no good reason, automatically become suspect. You would do well to heed these words. Especially anyone of another tribe. I know. So young, yet so cynical. And so politically incorrect. I’m aware.

But just because it’s cynical doesn’t mean that it isn’t true and I give not a shit one for political correctness. I’m afraid that you won’t find many fans of it in here.

Prison society is still largely divided along racial lines and that’s just the way it is. Any cat who chooses to ignore this reality may find himself in a very unwanted situation without ever realizing how he got there until he was there. You would be surprised by how often this happens. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that everyone of another race than your own is somehow a villain or is to be mistrusted. Trust but verify. You will, of course, meet people of other races down here that are sincere and not out to get you. And I am not implying that there are not scoundrels of your own race who will not try their hand at these games with you. I am simply saying Caveat Emptor: let the buyer beware. The smart convict doesn’t spend his time putting out fires. He knows fire safety and how to avoid starting them in the first place.

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Rule Number 6: Choose your companeros wisely.

This is not a popularity contest. You don’t need a lot of asshole friends, just one or two good ones. There are many people down here who won’t let you be their friend anyway as they themselves don’t know what it means to be a friend. So don’t worry about not making everyone happy or stepping on a few toes. This, too, is something that you want to pay attention to. Whenever you go out to the dayroom or the yard, pay attention to how the various characters in the play socialize and interact with others. Listen to their conversation. I’m not so much talking about eavesdropping per se, but their manner of conversation. Are they talking about anything of substance or value, something interesting, or something you can relate to? Or does their entire repertoire consist of dope, whores, and the Dallas Cowboys? It doesn’t take very long to pick out the good ones from the bad ones, to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I have met some truly good people down here. There is also no shortage of assholes.

As a rule, I stay clear of domino slammers. Much can be learned about a man’s character by watching the way he plays dominoes. And in my overall experience, domino slammers tend to be vain, prideful braggarts, egotistical liars, and all around jackasses. Another species of plant life that is to be fervently avoided are those who make it a point of telling you what really good people they are. A man of action carries far more authenticity than does a man of words. And the minute these words pop out, that man is forever relegated to asshole status.

A man’s character will become known according to the deeds he performs. I don’t need him to tell me that he is a good person, his character will bear him out. In every single case where someone told me that really they were good people, the exact opposite turned out to be true. My best advice, therefore, is to avoid them. It is far simpler to not associate with someone from the start than it is to get involved with them and then have to go through it to get them out of your hair.

Rule Number 7: Learn how to just say NO.

It is a simple word, only two letters, and is just as easy to say as yes. This, however, is a word that many people seem to have a huge problem learning. Some never learn how to say it. These miserable people have been banned to a self-imposed exile, forever to wander blindly the desert of their soul. I neither mind nor do I have a problem with lending a helping hand to someone in need. I am grateful that I have the means to do it, especially when there are so many people down here that it’s all they can do to keep body and soul together. I mean, everybody can use a little love sometimes. Right?

There is a world of difference, however, between helping someone out and giving them a free ride. You don’t have any kids down here nor are you taking anyone to raise. Yet there are any number of users and manipulators down here who somehow believe otherwise — that the world somehow owes them something, and “YES” violates this belief. The more you give this type of person, the more they want. The more times you say YES, the more times they will ask. Do you have to hate yourself before you tell them to kick rocks?

Rule Number 8: Leave the punks alone.

Even if you are a homosexual. Prison is neither the time nor the place. Trust me. You do not want to get involved with these people or allow one of them to get their hooks into you. These queens can be messy and they live for drama. If you fuck around with this, either one of two things is going to happen: you’re going to turn up HIV positive or you’re going to get caught in the crossfire of some crazy love triangle.

I was at the Coffield Unit for eleven years. It is one of the two largest prisons in the Texas system. About 4000 people. Farms of this size are where many of the “girls” are sent because it is on these farms where they have “safekeeping” wings or what is sometimes known in the vernacular as “punk row.”

It was astonishing at how many of them were sick. It was even more astonishing at how many people didn’t care, willingly and knowingly going to their doom. Plenty of them knew they were sick and couldn’t care less if you got sick too, so long as they got their row out. They sure as hell weren’t going to tell you. You’d find out soon enough anyway (yes, I realize that heterosexuals get HIV also. I have, however, never heard of such a thing in prison). Prison can do funny things to a person’s mind, causing them to lose their perspective entirely. I have seen cats come down here that had wives and girlfriends waiting for them at home get down here and start fooling around with one of them boys. I have watched as these same cats pissed away their parole because they went and fell in love with a punk and couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him. These punks have playing both ends against the middle down to an art form. Get involved with one of these clowns and pray that he doesn’t play you off this lovesick asshole until the fool decides to put a knife in your back.

Rule Number 9: Do not join a gang.

This is a headache that you neither want or need. Trust me on this. They’ll confirm you in some mock investigation, or you’ll have let one of these schmucks fill your head with idealistic bullshit and will stand proudly, admitting to the Beast what an asshole you are. They’ll set you up and that’ll be a wrap. Holla! There was a time when several of the familias down here had some pretty good organizations. But TDC, as well as other systems, have found out the best way to effectively shut these guys down is to put them in the lockup and deny them access to everything. In this new generation of “gangsters” coming up, you’d be surprised at how many I’ve seen gain admittance to the ride because they had the money to buy their way in. Twenty-five years ago nobody would’ve even looked at these clowns and here they are now holding rank.

Many of these cats joined the ride because they can’t make it on their own and this is part of their protection plan. (Don’t get me wrong. There are many good and solid people in any one of these familias. But with this new generation, all bets are off). What this means to you is that one of these fools may at some point put a knife in your hand with an order to go smoke some asshole because he’s gone off and started something that he can’t finish. Now he’s telling you to go do something that he’s too chickenshit to do himself. Are you really willing to take a life sentence for this clown? Seriously?

Rule Number 10: Mind your own business.

If something doesn’t concern you or directly affect the way you’re doing your time, leave it alone. Don’t worry about what the next man is doing. I have seen more busted heads in the penitentiary over this reason than all the others combined. You are going to see and hear a great many things in here that bother you, that offend you, things that simply violate all of your sensibilities.

This is one of my two most important rules. It’s one, however, that a great many people never seem to be able to understand. You’re here with a lot of different types of people. They have different personalities, different outlooks, different opinions, and different temperaments. You’re bound to come across any number of things that simply burn your ass. But as far as you and your time is concerned, this is not about them. It’s about you. It is a time to take care of yourself, to work on yourself and your own shortcomings. Not to concern yourself with someone else’s.

Of course, this little list isn’t anywhere near close to being complete or exhaustive. There is much and more you’ll need to learn. But these ten simple rules, if followed, will serve you well. They’re enough to set you on your way and keep you from getting kicked around like a soccer ball. Keep your chin up.

“What a long, strange trip it’s been.” — Jerry Garcia